We’ve had a busy old weekend one way and another. P & G decided to have a weekend away to celebrate their wedding anniversary. Which brought the logistical problem of what to do with the clingons and poochie.
“Not a problem, we’ll sort it out.” Said Supernan (that’d be me).
Me and my big gob!!!
Before you know it I’m riding round the streets of Lancashire at stupid o’clock in the morning ferrying the clingons to school and then dropping off L and her support worker in Blackburn to catch the train to Preston for a shopping trip. I’d have to say that’d be my kind of job, Maccie D breakfast followed by shopping and getting paid for it!!
I think L was quietly impressed as well although she went to great lengths to explain to me that it wasn’t about having fun, it was about teaching her how to get about on her own. yeah, yeah, whatever, I believe you, millions wouldn’t. Sadly, that did in fact prove to be the case when she got back to school. While I was only teasing, some of her classmates were more than a bit sniffy with her.
It reminded me of when I was a little girl and I was so jealous of my brothers because they were always going in to hospital and getting lots of attention but I never got to go. It just wasn’t FAIR!!!! Kids, eh? I cringe with shame when I think about it now.
After school finished I brought them back to my house until C finished work. The plan was that she’d have them Friday night and we’d have them Saturday. Between us we’d worked out a fairly full list of activities to keep them amused.
Taking the opportunity during a short lull in the chaos that invariably comes when you’re entertaining kids, to clean some of the stains off my carpet. Talk about bad timing.
I was crawling round on my hands and knees with a can of Vanish in one hand and a cloth in the other, merrily squirting the cleaning foam everywhere, scrubbing away like a good ‘un and getting quite exciting by the positive results when I heard a loud squeal behind me.
“Eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww, that’s DIS -GUST-ING!!
Turning round to see what the fuss was about and expecting to see D picking her nose I was absolutely thrilled, as you can imaging, to discover that while I’d been crawling along cleaning the carpet, the dog had been crawling along directly behind me – throwing up! Not only throwing up, dear reader, but throwing up all the sheep shit she’d decided to eat while we’d been out on out walk earlier in the day. Not only all over my freshly cleaned carpet but also all over Liv’s feet and leggings.
Deep fecking joy!
I pasted smile on my face and adopted a ‘jolly hockey sticks’ attitude to the clean up operation and to disguise the fact that I was quietly retching and in grave danger of adding my own mess to the carpet. Dis-gust-ing indeed.
After cleaning up all the mess and washing all the clothes I steeled myself for the next job on the agenda:
Gritting my teeth I put on a brave face and quelled my quaking hands as I administered Liv’s injection. You have to look confident when you do these things, no matter how nervous you are. I was filling C in on the fact that she hadn’t had a lot to eat so not to leave it too long before giving here food so her blood sugar didn’t drop too low. Just as I’d finished, a little voice piped up, “Nanny, my blood sugar has nothing to do with food.”
Oh really? Let’s not put it to the test, eh?
After work, C and B turned up with a screaming baby who was so bad she was actually off the fractious scale. That, excited kids, nervous dog and making small talk with the other adults just about pushed me to the brink of a nervous breakdown. I didn’t put up much of a fight in the, ‘Oh no, don’t go yet,’ department, when they got up to leave. B, in his own hurry to get out, threw open the front door which the dog took as her moment to make a run for it.
I lunged forward like an American football player, grabbed her collar and bowled her like a huge dog shaped bowling ball – straight into the baby, who I didn’t realise had followed me to the door. The dog and the baby collided, the baby flew into the air like a skittle and then landed in an ungainly heap on her bottom. There was a moment of silence as we all braced ourselves for another barrage of screams. Well, when I say silence I actually mean silence as long as you don’t count the ‘verging on hysteria’ barrage of guffaws from B.
After a moment of horrified rrealisation of what I’d just done, I joined in and the two of us were laughing like loons when the rest of the family came to find out what all the fuss was about. How was the baby? She just sat there looking shocked and then she shouted at the dog, “Tzitzy!!!!!”
Talking of the dog. Trapping up for our usual Thursday evening obedience class I was asked it I’d like to participate in their monthly money raiser raffle. “Oh, I’ve only brought my class fee.” “Not a problem,” she said in her normal deadpan manner, “give me the money next week.”
So I did, smiling brightly, “Here’s my raffle money.”
“Oh yes. We’ve already drawn it. You didn’t win.”