Terrorist Threat Levels

Boofuls sent me this via email the other day. Brilliantly funny, it manages to insult just about everyone

From the BBC – by John Cleese.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent
terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security
level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though,
security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or
even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit
Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly
ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from
“Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the
British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in
1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off”
to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other
levels. This is the reason they have been used on the
front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher
levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s
white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s
military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and
Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more
levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change

The Germans have increased their alert state from
“Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing
Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels:
“Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the
only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to

deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass
bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at
the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level
from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Three more
escalation levels remain: “Crikey!”,”I think we’ll
need to cancel the barbie this weekend,” and “The barbie
is cancelled.”

And finally Canada is at “That’s not nice and please stop”
threat level, and has passed a bill in the House of Commons to
never raise the level any higher so not to offend the terrorists.


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