hoe-ass

Being born and bred in Littletown as she was I suppose that it was inevitable that despite half of her family coming from outside the area Munki was going to pick up the local accent.

It wasn’t too bad while she was at nursery school but once she started at ‘big’ school the full Littletown accent has come to the fore. Oh Dear Lord.

ELOCUTION LESSONS NEEDED OVER HERE, STAT!!

Only last week she was telling me about a beautiful hoe-ass she’d seen.

“A beautiful WHAT?!?!?

“Hoe-ass, Nanny.”

“Did you mean ‘horse?”

“That’s what I said, hoe-ass.”

“No. You said hoe-ass. Try saying horse.”

Quick as a flash she replied, “Ok Nanny, I know what to say: “Pony!”

Clever clogs. Had she not pronounced it as pawny it would have been hysterical.

She really has a a veritable smorgasbord of witty and clever comebacks. Not bad for a five year old. I always used to tell Lashes that one day she’d have to deal with a child like herself and I’d stand back and laugh and laugh while reminding her that she was exactly the same at that age. Well. Here it is. Retribution time, Lashes! Heh. Funny isn’t it how what goes around comes around? God help us all when MUnki’s fifteen. Then she’ll be witty, clever AND have an attitude as well as have the ability to come up with a really reasoned argument as to why we should allow her to something completely unreasonable.

Anyway, let’s put the ghost of Christmas future back in it’s box and return to the present day: Munki’s little Littletownisms, while they usually make me laugh also assault my ears and make them bleed a bit when I hear them.

It’s not long ago that she was telling me that one of her friends had a toe itch that they’d taken to skoowul. “A toe itch? Have they got athletes foot?” “GNAW NANNY!! A toe-itch!! To shine a light with.”

“A torch! Why didn’t you say so?”

The word ‘more’ has turned into ‘mowah’ ‘short’ has turned into ‘show-ert’ Just about every single syllable word has had an extra syllable added but on the other hand letters, and in fact whole words, are frequently left out of sentences. For example: ‘I’m going bed now.’ GAAAAHHH ‘TO’ bed!I’m going TO bed. It’s not difficult!!

Recently I heard: “I keep getting texies “It took just about all the resolve I had not to walk over and quietly whisper ‘texts’ in her ear. It’s not unusual in shops and pubs to hear people asking for a packet of crisp. Crisp? Crisp what? Do you mean crisps? No wonder visitors from outside of the area think all northerners are thick.

Moving on before I bust a blood vessel:

I popped into the local beauty salon for an eyebrow wax and tint. Due to my unusually tender and delicate skin I ended up with my poor eyebrow area all red and swollen. Not only that but the beautician had obviously misunderstood when I said I like my brows arched and gave me at the whole McDonald’s golden arch shape – except in dark brown, not gold. That would be silly. I left the salon looking like a sad clown with my big semicircular brows and red face.

When I got home Boofuls took one look at me and asked me why I got my eyebrows waxed and tinted. “To make them more prominent and frame my face.” “Mission accomplished” he said in a scathing tone and just walked off, leaving me standing there now looking and feeling like a sad clown. Harsh.

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12 thoughts on “hoe-ass”

    1. Hahaa. Mums, eh? My Mum (who thought she was the queen ), used to berate me for not talking in a Welsh accent even though we lived in lancashire. She was from Cardiff and she also used to tell me she couldn’t understand why I didn’t have a beautiful singing voice since I was from Welsh stock. Rude!

    1. The boys were very different in their approaches to teenage drama. The Rev was, and still is, very volatile but Big N went for silent protest. It was a bit like water torture. Both of them were a walk in the park compared to Lashes. She was lovely till she got to sixteen, we trolly thought we’d get away with the teenage angst with her. Little did we know we were in for six years hard labour with it!!

      1. Don’t say that! I had three boys and then the Young One. The Young One has a bit of a mouth on her, but has been pretty mild with other stuff. The boys raked me over the coals. Oh well, 3 down and 1 to go… Ugh.

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