Light the blue touch paper and stand well back

It’s fair to say that I’m not a woman best known for my patience.  Neither do I tolerate fools easily. In fact, when they gave out tolerance and patience I’m not even sure I was in the queue.

Bearing in mind recent events, my tolerance level has dropped even lower; to that of a wasp suffering PMT on a low bio rhythm day.

Thinking that I’d feel better if I blew off some energy  instead of moping around and feeling miserable I went to our local leisure centre for the geriatrics zumba class. You can’t beat zumba for getting the heart thumping, the hips wiggling and the endorphins pumping.

Zumba = energy, latin music, elements of dance, perfect work out.

Now there aren’t  many  advantages to being over fifty but cheap entrance to the leisure centre fitness classes is one of them. I stood around in my lycra pants and pristine white, brand spanking new trainers and waited with anticipation  for the instructor to arrive and to getting stuck in to some hard core zumba.

The instructor walked in.

Uh? That’s not who I was expecting.

The usual trainer completely ignores the fact that she has a group with a combined age of about 3000 in front of her and carries out a normal zumba class.  By the time it’s finished you think you’re going to die. I like that.

Today’s trainer walked in and spoke to us with that patronising, head tilted to one side, high pitched and slow voice that made me think she thought we were thick in the head as well as thick in the waist. “We’ll start with some warm ups. Rooollllllllll those shoulders. There we are. Doesn’t that feel better?”

I felt my blood starting to boil. Get to the zumba, woman.

Her music was straight from the ’80’s – the 1880’s. Ok, slight exaggeration but it was rubbish. Lilting, gentle and yawn inducing. Where’s my latin music?

” Now then, lift those arms and claaaap. There we go.”

It started to dawn on me that there was no zumba imminent. I hate aerobics.

“Slide and claaaaap. Rest if you need to or hold on to the wall.”

Fer fudge sake!!

I tried, to enjoy it I really did.  All the time I was swinging my arms gently from side to side and feeling like a dweeb I was thinking, don’t be churlish, it’s all exercise, it’s all good, finish the class, don’t be rude, you can’t just leave.

Fudge it. I left.




6 thoughts on “Light the blue touch paper and stand well back”

  1. Oh gawwwwd, how bloody boring! With the basic step usually being the main salsa one I struggle with my knees in zumba but at least I get to wiggle my hips in a figure 8 and do a basic square – but this sounds awful!

  2. Patronising old people is bad enough, but 50s isn’t even old! These days people are living to 100 – we could be just halfway through our lives, but people like your ‘Zumba’ instructor would have us spend half our lives as geriatrics. She’s clearly been brainwashed by all those ads for old people’s stuff marketed relentlessly at the ‘fifty-plus’ demographic. Those ads never fail to light the blue touchpaper in my case.

  3. Good heavens, how awful. I’m glad you left. Hope you found a much more enticing class. I’ve been doing yoga for a bazillion years, but the classes I take currently are filled with folks mostly in their 60s and 70s–and I am always, always gobsmacked at how strong, flexible and determined my fellow classmates are. Anyone coming in for the first time would think it was going to be a snoozer of a class, but because the class is “intuitive” yoga, the instructor helps people find just the right level of challenge for each person. And as a result, many of these folks -no matter their shape or size – are great inspirations to me.
    One of these days I intend to try Zumba – it looks like an absolute blast–I suppose if you’ve got a great instructor.

    1. That sounds really good. I have friends who go to yoga and love it, as you say they are all very string and flexible. Intuitive yoga, I like it – I think. Unfortunately, with a mind that moves at the speed of a grasshopper on speed I have found that the more meditative disciplines such as yoga and pilates leave my feet itching. It’s giggly zumba all the way for me – I’m so shallow, but in the plus side; I should probably never need a hip replacement!

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