An epiphany

One day this week while I was out walking and pondering over the events of the last few weeks it suddenly struck me that yes, I am grieving. I’m grieving for my brother, for our lovely dance teacher who’s death just got swept aside on a tide of other dramas, I’m missing our paso double Tuesdays and the fun we had at our lessons with him. I’m grieving for the loss of Douggie the doggie’s health and how it’s impacted on our lives, I’m grieving for all the other friends and family we’ve lost this year. I’m grieving for other things I can’t mention on here.

A friend phoned me to tell me she was worried about me. It came out all wrong and we ended up having a row. I may not be handling my grief the way she does it but I’m doing the best I can. Sorry if you don’t think I’m doing it correctly. I know she was trying to be helpful and caring so it’s all been resolved now .

It did however give me food for thought and that is the only reason I’m mentioning the fact that I had a row with my bestie.

A nice walk with the dog in the fresh clean air of the moors can be incredibly healing, I find. It gives me time to think and find the answers I’ve been looking for. Stomping along on the moors with the wind whipping my face and not another soul to be seen is when I had my epiphany.

Yes, I have a lot to grieve about and no, I wasn’t bouncing back. Why not?

Oh! There it is!

Our lives have changed so much this year. Boofuls sold his business. I’ve closed my business down in order to make a swift move to the south coast when we sell the house. Instead of the fast paced, sociable, stressful, fun life we used to lead all I have now is a silent home and solitary walks with Douggie. When we were working I’d be at the studio every day and popping in to see Boofuls and everyone else in the office. I had a  great social/work life. Some days I hardly had time to catch my breath.

I’m bored and lonely! Of course!

While the weather was nice I didn’t notice the isolation so much. Boofuls and I would get on with our respective jobs around the house and garden, catching up on all the things we haven’t had time to do over the years. Tidying up loose ends with work and  generally enjoying what was left of the summer. Now the weather has turned cold, all the jobs are done. All that’s left are days that stretch out endlessly while Boofuls, never a conversationalist at the best of times, goes to sleep watching anything on telly that has the word ‘star’ in the title. Douggie the doggie’s new medication means that he too is spending most of his time asleep. It makes for some loooooooooong  days and evenings.

I’m too gregarious a person to cope well with living a silent, solitary life. No wonder I’m bloody miserable.

It’s time to make some changes.

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16 thoughts on “An epiphany”

  1. Have compassion on your suffering. Hard thing to do.. Easy to have compassion for others but on ones self tough.

      1. The Cosmic Consciousness doesnt want you to suffer and be broken. It wants you to be happy and whole.

      2. I truly believe that and I also believe that we have to go through the difficult times in order to learn the lessons we need. so instead of whining I should be rejoicing that I’m learning. However, I think I know enough now 😀

  2. Ahhh a kindred soul. There is a reason I call my blog The Reluctant Retiree, and I don’t even have the enclosure of a northern winter to contend with. Let us hope you soon latch on to another channel for your interest and enthusiasm. There is a difference between being occupied and being engaged with what you do. I hope you find something that engages you.

    1. Thank you, Gwendoline. I’m rapidly learning the distinction between being occupied and being engaged. There are about a million things that I always said “when Iretire I’ll do that.” However, I’m not really retired, I’m just marking time until we sell the house and move south to begin the next stage of our lives. I need to be doing what interests me now while I have the free time on my hands. Salsa dancing, painting, creative writing, practice macro photography, the list is almost endless.

    1. WEll, funnily enough, where we have decided to go has absolutely everything I need. Coastal walks, cafes, shops, moorland, solitude, bustling crowds. It’s got the lot. 🙂

      1. Perfect! I watch that Escape to the Country a lot, and find it amazing how close the towns and villages are in comparison to here (central Victoria, Australia) yet there are still lots of wide open places too. I like that your areas of Outstanding Natural Beauty are protected.

      2. It amazes me too, Christine that such a small island has so much green and beautiful land. WE need to hold on to it, it’s one of our biggest assets.

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