You couldn’t make this stuff up! Our amazing and lovely neighbours came round for drinkies a few days ago and suggested that we start to write down all the stories as by the time we’ve retired we’ll be able to write a book. Well, just to kick it all off, here are the tales from the last few days:
Last week Mr Creepy booked a double room at our lodging emporium. He turned up on his own even though he’s booked a super king size room. Odd. One person. Maybe he just liked to spread out a bit, I mean they are six foot beds.
“Are you on your own then?” “At the moment.” came back the answer with a little smile. he didn’t offer any more information and we didn’t ask. We didn’t think anything about it, we just thought his companion/friend/partner would be along later.
Around 10pm Mr Creepy came into the bar for a bottle of wine and two glasses. “Looks like his companion/friend/partner turned up then.” Didn’t think any more about it. Mr Creepy didn’t come down for breakfast. Didn’t really think too much about it. People quite often don’t make it down for breakfast.
After we’d finished service, Boofuls was sitting at his desk and watching the CCTV monitors – as he does. You have to love cctv. Boofuls was watching and calling me in a stage whisper: “Be quick! Look! LOOK! LOOKA’ THAT! He’s ‘ad two women in their all night.” Boofuls watched with incredulity as Mr Creepy sneaked two young, attractive black girls out of his room and into his car.
Mr Creepy came to hand in his room key. Boofuls asked him in a completely deadpan manner if he’d enjoyed his stay. Mr Creepy smirked and ensured him that he had indeed enjoyed his stay. *shudder*
As the summer has progressed we’ve discovered that our garden provides an abundance of luverley fruit. Strawberries are growing faster than we can pick them and now the blackberries, raspberries and plums are joining in. We’ve got so much fruit I’ve had to start making jam. First I made some jam with the rhubarb. It was delicious, if I do say so myself. We put it out on the breakfast display along with a bowlful of strawberries freshly picked from the garden that morning. Obviously we told all the guests that they were our own. Well. What a to do that caused.
The chinese people wanted to photograph the strawberry plants in the garden. They were told that they could go into the garden directly after breakfast ( the real reason for that being that Lashes had time to puck up the poo from the lawn).
The Chinese family finished their breakfast as fast as they could and then asked us if it was ok to go to the garden now. They were almost bouncing in their seats with excitement. Lashes escorted them round to the garden and they oo-ed and ah-ed and photographed every single plant. There’s nowt so queer as folk.
Then we had the Canadian couple. Well, I’m going to call them Mr & Mrs Enthusiastic. They enthused at length about EVERYTHING. You’d think they’d never eaten an egg before. The man would talk your ears off and all the time he talked he laughed and enthused and cheered up everyone in the room – except for the old couple who sit quietly at the back. I could tell he pissed them right off.
That brings me nicely to last night. Boofuls and I had been out for most of the day. We’d gone to Cockington Country Park with Douggie the Doggie for afternoon tea. Then we went out for an early dinner at a local steak house and after that we went to the theatre courtesy of Lashes and an early father’s day gift. Thanks, Lashes.
All of this of course meant that Lashes was holding the fort back at the hotel. At some point in the evening one of the guests, a young man, came down to ask how to get on the internet. Lashes showed him but he seemed not to understand her instructions. “Come on, I’ll show you where your instructions are” and she followed him up to his room.
Ladies and gentlemen. This is the point where we have to decide if there was any ulterior motive on the part of the couple. The jury is still out. You decide based on the testimony I am about to give you.
Lashes followed the man into the room. At this point a lady’s voice cried out from the bathroom, “Excuse me!” Lashes turned round to apologise for disturbing them, only to be greeted with an eyeful of stark naked female. “I’m so sorry!” Lashes said as she turned away and hurriedly showed the man the internet instructions before leaving the room as fast as was humanly possible. The man seemed unperturbed by the whole event and the woman continued with her ablutions. Poor old Lashes was mortified. However, I must ask: If you were in a hotel bathroom and a stranger walked into your room, would you not just close the bathroom door rather than stand there stark bollock naked? Add to that the fact that the lady in question spoke and caused Lashes to turn round makes me feel that the there was more to this close encounter than meets the eye. Again. There’s nowt so queer as folk.
So there we are. It’s often knackering, it’s frustrating, it’s challenging but it’s never boring being in the hotel trade.