and a partridge in a pear tree

It’s fair to say that summer is in full swing at Boxfuls Towers Bed and Breakfast Emporium.

We’ve had hoards of Norwegians eating me out of fruit, eggs, salmon and kippers. Not a single full English did I cook that week.

Then we got the Germans, more fruit, more eggs, more salmon and lots of pancakes.

Then we got the English golf chaps. Full English after full English went out of the kitchen. Not a morsel of fruit was eaten.

Saturday we had eleven vegetarians, two gluten free, one diabetic and one dairy free, and a partridge in a pear tree.

It’s a good job I now know how to judge my guests taste in food. It’s not too often I get caught out these days.The eleven veggies were a bit of a surprise though.

Later in the day we had nine room changes to do. NINE!!!!! We were half dead when we’ve finished. Our cunning plan to employ lots of staff and have them all work that day fell apart like a house of cards. Firstly, Molly Daydream daydreamed her way through the day. Peggy Kickass chose to not follow instructions i.e. work with Molly Daydream and make all the beds. Instead she took herself off to work on her own in room 16 leaving Molly to do what she does best, daydream. The end result of that is that I’d cleaned five bathrooms in the time it took those two to make one bed. Sally Swot, being a brand new member of staff can be forgiven for spending the day looking like a rabbit in the headlights as she tried her best to be helpful but actually ended up in the way as no one had the time to train her. Lashes, House Elf No.1 and me all ran around like idiots trying to get it all done before the new guests arrived. Added to that – we completely ran out of linen as the laundry failed to deliver – again. All in all it was a bit of a train wreck but we got through it eventually – and without anyone ending up in tears.

Tell me again why I wanted a B & B?

Last night a lovely Spanish couple turned up and immediately demanded to be taken to A & E. They didn’t even check in or get their luggage to their room. Working on the basis that we didn’t want any dead guests in the house, Boofuls took them to hospital to get the lady checked over and get the tablets she needed. Phew! Another disaster averted.

Then a three night, three room booking remembered a wedding they needed to attend and left two days early. That cost them dearly but they didn’t bat an eyelid. I think the dad just wanted to put a stop to the earache he was undoubtedly getting from his daughters about not having enough time to get ready for the wedding, they needed at least two days! God. I’m lucky if I get two minutes to get ready to go anywhere!

Over the last couple of weeks a scrote has been burgling hotels in our area. He tried to jemmy our door open, actually got into next door, robbed a neighbour, attempted to rob at least five other B&B’s and eventually got arrested. Luckily, we had some great cctv footage of him which the police found very useful. All the hoteliers worked with each other and with the police to protect each other and get him caught. I do believe he’s not residing in a prison somewhere at Her Majesty’s pleasure.

Oddly enough. The biggest security threat is guests. They will let strangers in thinking that they are another guest, even though we dedicate a full page in the room directory specifically saying not to. They unlock the front door and leave it on the latch or even leave it wide open. I should go round to their house and leave it wide open for anyone to walk into and see how they like it.

Anyway, that’s the latest round up. I’m off to bed now for an early night. I was so tired this morning that I was a danger to myself and everyone else. Lashes pushed some food into my hands and threw me out of my own kitchen. As I protested, saying that I was fine and could finish off, I spilt a panful of oil onto the floor. At that point I gave in and left.

G’night all, see you in October!

Burglars

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