Category Archives: 2012

You have to love the English Language.


I saw this on Facebook this morning and decided to steal it because  the sentence at the end made me laugh. I’m such a nerd.

Source; https://www.facebook.com/grammarly
Source; https://www.facebook.com/grammarly

 

Still on the subject of language, I was texting Gembolina last night declining an invitation to a barbecue as I will be working at a horse show. I will quite literally be shooting the horses! Anyway, moving on before you phone the RSPCA, good old predictive text changed it to “I’ll be smirking at a horse show.’

Cue: a good ten minutes of me crying with laughter as I got a mental image of me standing in the show ring with my arms folded and smirking at the events as they unfold.

So funny…..what? Oh, just funny to me then? Dang!

 

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Roberta Mancino’s Amazing Fashion Show


Wow!! I’ve just come across this video and it’s blown my socks off. Just when I thought I couldn’t be amazed any more I watched that female model land in those vertiginous heels. Incredible, I loved it.

They things they come out with


Did you know that Munki started school last month?

Started school? It’s only two minutes since Lashes was sitting in a birthing pool and I was cutting Munki’s umblical cord – one of the proudest moments of my life I might add, helping to bring my youngest granddaughter into the world. *wipes away tear*  Anyway, before I get all maudlin.

Munki has started school, she looks so grown up in her black and grey uniform with the cartoon school  motif  that Lashes hates so much on her jumper.

Monday afternoon is my day to pick her up. My, that takes me back. It’s a few years since I stood on a school playground with all the mums. In my day we used to chat to each other. Now they all have their head down and are engrossed in their mobile phones. How times change.

Yesterday, as Munki and I walked from the school gates down to the car  we were having a conversation about things she wanted.

“….and I want a horse, Nanny.”

“Oh yes? That would be nice wouldn’t it?”

“Do you know what kind of horse, Nanny?”

At this point I was feeling impressed that she knew there were different types of horses and was expecting her to say Shetland pony or something.  Little did I know what was coming………

“I really want  a unicorn, Nanny.”

I stopped dead in the street and laughed out loud, drawing a few funny looks from a couple of mums.  Munki, looked at me seriously.

“Really, Nanny. I really want a unicorn.”

“Oh. Well, um, then I suppose you’d better see your Mum about that.”  was my cop out answer. I wasn’t going to be the one to destroy her dreams.
While I’ve been attending HTM classes with Douggie the Doggie I’ve been watching the odd Youtube clip and reading blogs on how the experts do it tom inspire and motivate me.  To save me searching every time I decided to save one blog it to my bookmarks bar at the top of my screen. The only trouble is that it’s shortened the title and at first glance it always looks like: Che… amazing munching dog. Hehee I don’t need to teach Douggie how to munch, he’s already an expert at that.

 

I have loads to tell you. Too much, actually, I can’t find time to write it all down Just to give you a brief catch up, here are a few photos of places we’ve been and things we’ve been doing. You’ll work it out.

 

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Summertime, summertime, sum sum summertime summerti – i – i – i-ime


Quiz of the week.

Where did the words in the title come from? Answers on a postcard, please…….and also at the bottom of this post.

So. Summer has arrived with a vengeance. It’s hotter than hell here at the moment, me and Douggie are wilting like little flowers but we aren’t complaining! No sireee. We’ve waited a long time for it, about four years to be exact, and we’re going to enjoy every glorious minute. Breakfast al fresco, Pimms on the lawn, walks in the woods under a lovely sparkly green canopy of deliciously shady leaves, the warm breeze on our skin and sitting out at night listening to our nearest neighbour screaming at her dogs. Aaaah. Summer. I love it.

Just to put you in the mood for summer, here are a few photos I’ve put together.

Summertime, that's got to mean bunting!
Summertime, that’s got to mean bunting!

You can’t have summer without bunting. Bunting is the signal that summer has arrived at this house. You may also notice a nice shiny new chiminea. Boofuls’ new toy. While we’re on the subject of Boofuls, it was his birthday last week. Some of the family went to our local restaurant for a celebratory meal. Lashes organised a surprise birthday cake for him with our favourite photo on it. love it!!!! Well done, Lashes. She always puts such a lot of effort into birthdays and it’s very much appreciated. Boofuls kept saying during the meal that he wouldn’t be impressed if the staff came and sang happy birthday to him. Well, of course they did. Far from being unimpressed, Boofuls seized the moment, stood up and toasted the entire room. I loved it, and so did he.

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On my way to the woods the other day with Douggie, I was amazed to see Dr Who was in the vicinity and had left his TARDIS in full view of everyone in this garden!!  OOOOWEEEEEOOOOOO!!!

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In the woods it was cool, shady, sparkly and calming, except that is for Douggie who has decided these hot days that paddling is the new walking and spends the entire time in the river chasing stones I throw for him. Keeps him cool and exercised. Win win!

summer leaves
summer leaves

Munki came for her Monday afternoon visit and we painted in the garden. I loved the colours of the paint in their bright pots.

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After the painting it was time for a cool down. Munki was less than impressed when she was standing in the paddling pool and Douggie came and did a belly flop in it, knocking her off her feet into the cold water. I tried not to laugh, really I did. I failed.

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Also in the news this week: Great nephew’s christening was a huge success. That was last Sunday and almost the whole, family got together for the first time in ages. Since Mum’s funeral in fact which will have been ten years ago next month. Wow! How time flies.

Woof! Your’e right, dog, it is rough


Interesting day last Sunday. Not that Boofuls would agree with me. He would rather have put pins in his eyes but let me not get ahead of myself, dear reader. Let’s start at the beginning.

As you know, Douggie the Doggie and me have been dancing together for a few months now and I’ve had an idea that we might like to travel a bit further down this route.

Hence the two hour drive to Geordie land to watch a doggie dancing aka heelwork to music competition.

The drive to Geordie land was one thing but actually getting into Geordie land was another thing entirely. The whole place seemed to be cordoned off. No problem I can hear you saying, the sat nav will find other route in. Well, you’d think so, wouldn’t you? In actual fact the sat nav seemed to be feeling a bit bellicose and sat there in my frustrated little hand saying snarkily, ‘Oi! Don’t you know it’s a bank holiday? Feck off. I’m entitled to my holidays as well’.

Dagnabbit! By the time we get to this bloody dog show it’ll be all over!

At yet another road block we shared our dilemma with the traffic officer, as had the 100 or so drivers in front of us in their attempts to get into town. His look of resigned patience turned to a big smile as he realised he was finally going to give someone an answer they wanted to hear. “Leisure Centre? OH! That’s not a problem. Just go down there and turn right.”

Halle sodding lujah!

We pulled into the leisure centre car park to find it overflowing with cars sporting doggie stickers, logos, adverts and bursting at the seams with doggie paraphernalia. Dog bowls littered the ground, poo bins were placed at ten foot intervals and intense looking dog owners practised their dance routines with their dogs on the grass verges.

“I think this is the right place, Love.”

Douggie of course thought it was play time. He quickly learnt that even a sly sniff at another dog’s backside would see the poor unfortunate beast being frogmarched away with a backwards dirty look. There should have been a big sign on the wall. NO FRATERNISING!

Luckily, we managed to arrive during the beginners section as that’s what I was particularly interested in. My fiendish plan being to watch, listen and learn before we dip our toes to into the doggie dancing water.

We watched. We listened and we learnt. Lots. All I can say is: I think me and Douggie are ready to compete.

Poor old Boofuls. His eyes glazed over and he rocked backwards on his heels as if readying himself for a sprint out of the door. I tried to bribe him with a cup of tea and a sandwich from the snack bar. Oh dear Lord. It’s bad when even I won’t eat it as I’m most definitely not known for being a picky eater. I’m generally more of your, ‘one snort and it’s gone’ type of eater. Still, I think Douggie enjoyed it.

After an hour and a half or so we decided we’d seen enough.

Then came the start of a ‘Why did I not just keep my mouth shut’ moment.

We know some people who live in Geordie land and decided it would be nice to pop in and see them.

He was at work, no problem, it’s his business so there was no danger of him getting in trouble from the boss. Perfect, I thought. A quick hello and we’ll be on our way. I’m afraid not. He decided he’d leave work because he was dying to show us his new home. He set off on his bike and we followed behind in the car. Painful.

WE got to the new home to discover that wifey was out with baby and had hubby’s keys with her. That was the start of what felt like and age of hanging around in his garden shed sheltering from the rain and making awkward conversation while knowing that we couldn’t make our excuses and leave as wifey was pushing a pram and rushing back from wherever it was she’d been. Offers to go and pick her up in our car were met with, “No. It’s no bother. She’ll be here in a minute.” Times that by FORTY and it’d be about right. It was my turn to want to put pins in my eyes.

Eventually she turned up, red faced and breathless, and we went into the house only to be told to talk in whispers so we didn’t wake the baby who’d fallen asleep in his pram while being bounced around on the journey. We were also told not to touch the dog because if we did it’d pee on the carpet. Oops. Too late. Two big wet patches on the carpet betrayed the fact that we hadn’t been given the instruction soon enough. Our hostess looked, sighed, came back with a can of ‘Doggie Whiffaway’ gave the carpet a couple of squirts and us a couple of dirty looks. I’m sorry. Housetrain your dog.

So it continued. All topics of mutual ground were covered fairly quickly, and quietly due to the sleeping sprog.

I wonder, where exactly is the moment in a boring, awkward and whispered conversation when you can say without causing offence; “Well, we’d better make a move”?

Wherever it is, Boofuls was steadfastly ignoring it and my attempts to make a sharp exit. Up would come a new topic of conversation for ten seconds or so then everyone would look back down at their coffee cups and wait to the next burst of conversational inspiration.

I screamed silently, ‘Take me now, God! I’m more than ready.’

Eventually, after an hour or so Boofuls finally responded to my not so subtle hints of, “Well, the dog is in the car so we’d better not leave him there too long as we still have a very long journey to do.”

When he did finally take the hint everyone looked really relieved. Next time we’re in Geordie land I’ll just keep my mouth shut and we’ll head on straight home – or at least let them know in advance that we’re coming and can’t stay for many minutes – which with hindsight would have been a far better idea.

Oh well, you live and learn.

Woss ‘e say?


Boofuls has been struck deaf.First in one ear and now the other. Oh what joy. He’s had a low level cough and cold for weeks and now that he’s stopped running round like a headless chicken it seems to be taking hold. The end result is that the telly is now on blaringly loud and every now and then he’ll turn to me and shout “Woss ‘e say?” sounding uncannily like his Dad.  If he doesn’t make an appointment soon to get his ears syringed I’ll be doing it myself, it’s driving me mad. Eh?

So. Another Christmas has been and gone.

The dog has been a bit perplexed by it all, I mean, hat’s the point of having a tree in the house if you aren’t even allowed to pee on it? Seriously, whats the point? Eventually he got the idea that it was neither for peeing on nor  a source of hanging toys for his delight, entertainment or  edification and he’s since treated it with the disdain he considers it deserves.

I was on Facebook earlier when I found this link to a list of peculiarly British problems. Obviously I had to go and take a look. I wish I could say it’s a load of tosh but……

British problems

The worst by far to someone of my tender sensibilities is number 10. “Of accident.” Excuse me? Is that even English? I’m sure you meant ‘by accident’. It assails my ears as badly as nails down a blackboard.

While I’m on the subject of language, perhaps you could clear up a mystery for me.  I’m quite good at telling the time, have been since quite a young age actually. I know that when the big hand reaches 9 it’s a quarter to the hour and when it reaches 3 it’s a quarter past the hour. What the hell does the American: ‘It’s a quarter OF the hour mean? Items like this need to be clarified to prevent international time keeping disasters.

Sawp!


Due to some stunningly bad housekeeping on my part ( well, I did warn him before he married me that I was a rubbish housewife) we managed to run out of soap yesterday.

“We’ll pick some up on the way to the studio”, says I. After walking round the shop three times and not being able to see any I asked the man behind the counter; “Do you have any soap?”

“Yes dear, all  different kinds. It’s all on the back wall. Look.” I was impressed that such a small  corner shop would have a whole selection of soaps. I turned round to survey my choices.

And  looked  up; at a wall full of tins and tins of assorted soups.

“No, I meant SOAP not SOUP.” The gentleman looked at me strangely.

“Hang on, I’ll try it in a local accent. “Av yenny sawp?”

Instantly his expression cleared and he replied, “Oh! Sawp “(funny to hear from an Asian chap). “Gnaw loov, wiv no sawp, only shower gel.”

Shower gel it is then.

 

 

Or as we call them….


lashes, Munki and me were out and about doing a bit of shopping for our respective Christmas decorations. I was looking for white lights – and I do mean white lights not those awful blueish-greyish things that just make me depressed when I see them. I’m talking about gorgeous, sparkly, bright white cheery lights.

Lashes was looking for trinkets for her trippy Alice in Wonderland tree in shades of pink, blue and turquoise. It’s fabulous!

Anyway, while we’re on the subject of Christmas lights, I’ve noticed that the usual bright blue monstrosities are out in force again this year, flashing away like huge offensive to the eye insect-o-cuters. What surprises me is that where we are seeing these lights mostly is on the streets where you would expect the residents to positively avoid  flashing blue lights.

Oooohh, aren’t I awful? Happy Christmas to you too!

So. Moving swiftly on…..

We spent a happy morning in the local garden centre with the brilliant Christmas displays and I stopped in my tracks when I saw this display:

Hanging solutions

“Oh! Look at this, it’s exactly what I need; damage free hanging solutions.”

The woman walking past nearly broke her neck as it swung round to take a look at the object of my desire. Imaging her surprise when I burst out guffawing loudly and snorting with derision as I realised that the much vaunted ‘damage free hanging solutions’ were in fact nothing more than  plastic hooks with a sticky pad attached. Oh isn’t marketing marvellous. Damage free hanging solutions, or as we call them; hooks. That kept me laughing for the rest of the morning.

The weather has been A-MAZ-ING recently. Just how I like it, cold, crisp and clear. The thick frost has meant that places that are normally a no go walking area for me and Velcrodog because it’s as wet as a paddy field all dried up and added a new dimension to our  walks. I was double pleased about the weather because I took Velcrodog to the beauty salon last week and it was nice to be able to take him out for a walk while he looked gorgeous and get him him home still looking gorgeous and not like a swamp monster. I got good few days out of it. Worth every penny of my £40.

Here are a few photos from our frosty walks. Hope you like them:

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Friday Fun


nb. This post is called Friday Fun because I started to write it on Friday but somehow it got to Sunday before I’ve got round to finishing it. 

It’s been a good day today. Lashes, me and Munki went off to the big town garden centre to ooh and aah at their spectacular Christmas displays and have a bit of brunch. Window shopping and food, always a good start t the day.

One of the displays was of huge glassy polar bears – at £1500 each you wouldn’t buy too many for your garden but they looked stunning.

Munki walked up to Mummy bear and said, “Are you cold, polar bear? Of course you are – you’re in the Arctic.”  Hahaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

From a kid that’s just turned four I thought that was quite good.

Christmas elves
Christmas elves

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On the way home we were treated to an eclectic mix of bonfire night and Christmas songs, sometimes changing mid song,  courtesy of Munki who was still in the throes of the sugar rush she obtained from a candy cane.

A walk in the woods with Velcrodog, Gembolina and Mrs Woofy was just the job to recharge my Munki drained batteries before setting off to do the weekly shop.

 

Just to complete my good mood – it snowed!! Yaaaaaaaaaayyyy!!!!! Velcrodog was a it confused by it all:

Dog playing in snow

 

Back home, a trawl round my favourite websites, as is my wont and I came across these gems. Enjoy.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot!!My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday , so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy’s heading for a breakdown.

Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador .”Not that” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”
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My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the ‘knitting needle nutter’ , who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says “Oh, I forgot to tell you, today’s the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked.”

Murphy says to Paddy “What ya talkin to an envelope for?” “I’m sending a voicemail ya thick sod!”

Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks “Why so many of you?” Mick replies, “The film said 18 or over.”

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.