Tag Archives: funny

Gi’ ‘n’ tonc dahling


It’s all a bit of a whirlwind lately. Here I am just about to tell you all about Boofuls’ birthday on 4th July and it’s nearly August! 

They weren’t fibbing when they told us July and August were busy, busy months, our feet haven’t touched the floor for weeks!

Anyway, without further ado…

The birthday bash.

Since it was Boofuls’ birthday it seemed a good idea to invite some of the local hoteliers around  for a few drinkies and to make a few new friends. Invitations were sent out and every single person accepted. In our wisdom we thought that we’d make it an afternoon ‘do’ as it was a hoteliers school night and we all had to be up early the next morning.

What on earth was I thinking? This lot can party like there’s no tomorrow.

The sun shone, the patio was decorated with tubs of flowers and umbrella’d tables. It all looked lovely. One by one the guests turned up – heavily laden with bottles of champagne, prosecco, wine, beer and cider. Why oh why did we buy so much booze? They all brought enough to sink a battleship. 

Or so I thought.

As the afternoon wore on I realised that everyone except me had drunk their own weight in alcohol. I’d decided several days earlier that I’d be staying on the wagon for this one. One of us needed a clear head in the morning. I was glad I stood by my decision. Fair to say that Boofuls had a great time.

There was much ribaldry, banter and laughter, the wine flowed like water.

One woman had to be carried home and half an hour later so did her husband.  they run a five star establishment round the corner.  I’m absolutely sure they managed to get a decent breakfast out to their guests as they are consummate professionals but I’m also pretty sure they would have gone straight back to bed after.

The afternoon turned into evening, the music played,  the conversation flowed as easily as the wine and a great time was had by all.  As the evening came to a close, Boofuls and I were sitting in the bar with a couple of German guests having a conversation via Google translate – which was hysterically funny.

Just after the clock struck 11.00 pm  two other guests walked into the bar. Two middle aged, knocking on the door of elderly, ladies who had been competing in a bridge tournament. I’m going to call them Strident and Curly.

Strident burst through the bar door; “Where’s the party? We know there’s a party, we saw it from our bedroom window. Where is it? HAVE WE MISSED IT? Oh Blahddy hell! Never mind. Get me drink!”

Clearly three sheets to the wind, I think it’s fair to say they’d also been partying.

The Germans looked at me unnerved by the somewhat wild and dishevelled looking woman shouting at me and staggering across the room.

Curly, waddled unsteadily behind her on her chubby, inebriated legs, collapsed on the sofa, and in a manner amazingly like Patsy Stone from Ab Fab, leaned off the chair arm, almost sliding to the floor and said wearily, “Gi’ ‘n’ tonc,  Dahling’.

“I’m sorry ladies. It’s gone eleven, I can’t serve you.”

Strident  answered, “Don’t be ridiculous. It’s only us, no one will know.  Just get us a drink!”

“Sorry ladies, can’t do it, we are only licensed till eleven.”

“Well don’t sell it to me, then  just GIVE me the blahddy drink” announced Strident stridently.

Once again I refused to serve them, at which point they took great umbrage, got unsteadily to their feet and declared;  “Oh, we might as well just go to Blahddy bed then, THEY’VE  (the Germans) have got a drink! So unfair!” They staggered angrily out of the bar. 

The Germans, who’d managed to get the gist of what was happening, and we ignored the complaining as it faded into the distance and carried on with our chat.

Before too long we trotted off to bed ready for a bright and early start the next morning to prepare breakfast for all of our lovely guests. Funnily enough, two of them didn’t make it down for breakfast. I wonder why?

 

 

 

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Fancy a quickie?


Have you got a mo? I’ll quickly fill you in on what’s been happening at Boofuls Towers Boutique Guest House. Last week we got through 45 pounds of bacon and 45 pounds of sausages, hundreds of eggs and many, many changes of bedding. That’s what’s been going on.  We had to do an emergency bedding shop and spend £650 at Dunelm to restock before the next guests arrived. It’s fair to say the season has started with a vengeance.

I thought they were joking when these seasoned hoteliers told us to brace ourselves for a 16 hour working day. Smart arses, I thought. Trying to scare the newbies. How wrong can you be?

It’s non stop from the second my feet hit the floor at 6.30 in the morning till the minute I lay my head down to sleep around 11pm. I’ve worked out that if I don’t roll out of bed and get straight into the shower then the shower doesn’t happen because before I know it it’s bedtime again.

Once we’ve cooked and served breakfast then we clean the kitchen and dining room. Lashes and me then go and service the rooms, then we can start on the washing. Then the guests start to arrive and we spend we next little while settling them in and getting a bite to eat. Then one of us mans the bar while I get on with prepping the next day’s breakfast.

Boofuls spends his days being handyman, receptionist, telephonist, waiter, and anything else that comes up on a daily basis. Boring it is not. Don’t take all that as meaning we aren’t enjoying ourselves because we’re having a ball! Jus for now though, we have a quiet few days to regroup and recharge our batteries. Bliss.  I might even fins the time to get to Exeter to get my phone fixed after dropping it down the loo. I’ve been without it for three weeks now.

Munki is settling in a her new school. The other day she came in and asked us how to say ‘ball’. lashes looked at her a bit bemused and said ‘ball’ how else can you say it?

Well, it would appear that there is more then one way. Munki told her that her teacher pronounces it as ‘bawl’ and so does the man next door. Once we sat and thought about it we realised that we would say it more like ‘barl.’ Munich’s accent has been changing by the day. Suddenly she has become terribly well spoken. I love it!

Right. That’s the end of the quickie. I’m off to put the washing machine on for the umpteenth time today. Have a great day, folks.

Kitchen Talk


This week I had three brilliant quotes for you. The only trouble is I forgot one of them before I wrote it down. Silly senile old bugger that I am.

All three quotes made me laugh out loud and the last one lifted me right out of my post holiday, ‘God, this place is a dump’ grumps.

The first one was after I arrived back from a long and lovely walk with Douggie the doggie while we were still on holiday. Leaving just as it was getting light we’d walked along the coastal path, checked out a few little coves and made our way down to the harbour for a coffee while we sat and watched the town shake itself out of it’s slumber and get ready for the start of a new day. The sunrise had been magnificent. Purple, pink, orange and finally, blue. Dougggie and me watched transfixed as the sky changed colour. Ok, I watched transfixed, Douggie just sniffed around a bit and did lots of little pees, looking at me occasionally as I tried to find enough superlatives to describe the glorious morning.  It was stunning ( the sunrise, not the peeing) and I felt privileged to have witnessed it along with my doggie and a few noisy seagulls.

It was in fact this very sunrise. Shame the camera on my phone doesn’t do it justice but I’m sure you get the idea.

Watching the sunrise near Daddyhole Plain, Torquay
Watching the sunrise near Daddyhole Plain, Torquay

As  we got back from our walk the rest of the family was just about getting themselves up and about. Len and me stood in the kitchen chatting and I told him all about our lovely walk. “I envy you that,” he said, “It must be lovely.

“Well, come with me tomorrow then, you’re more than welcome.”

Here comes the quote, brace yourself;

“Oooh no. I couldn’t arsed with that, that’s far too early to be getting up.”

Hahaaaa, you don’t envy me that much then, eh? Silly sausage!

 

A few days after we got home, Lshes and Munki wet having a conversation in the kitchen. Which is of course where all the best conversations take place. It went a bit like this:

Munki: I want you to have a baby.
Lashes: I’m not having a baby.
Munki: Are you sure? It looks like there’s one in your tummy.
Lashes: Babe, I promise you there is no baby in my tummy.
Munkiie: are you just getting fat then?
Heheeeeee. I wouldn’t have dared! Munki of course, being four years old, doesn’t feel the need to edit her thoughts. Poor Lashes.

Finally, still in the kitchen:

Douggie is such a sweet dog. I put his breakfast down on the floor and as normal he sat and waited till I gave him permission to eat. The cat who was skulking around at the time felt she needed no such permission. ‘I’ll have a bit o’ that’, she thought despite having a bowlful of her own food right there.  She  got her head straight into Douggie’s food bowl and started chaffing away. Douggie just sat and watched in horrified amazement, occasionally looking up at me as if to say, “Help! The cat’s eating my breakfast and I’m not allowed to move.”

His face was a picture. I stood laughing helplessly until I felt so sorry for Doggie I moved the cat in front of her own food bowl where she carried on chaffing like there had been no interruption to service. Senility and blindness has certainly done a lot for her bravery levels. At one time she wouldn’t even have shared a room with the dog never mind stole his food from right under his nose.

Auto correct fail


I’ve sent many a text message and got back a response of, ‘Huh?’ One of the best ones was on a job one day when I was leaving the bridal prep to set off the the church. I let Boofuls know via text message: I’m on my way to the church now.’  His reply, ‘what bitch?’ had me scratching my head until I read what autocorrect had put: ‘I’m on my way to the bitch.’ That had me giggling all the way through the service, and as it happened it was a portent of things to come with this particular bride.

Now I’ve learnt, mostly, to check the screen before hitting the send button.

While I was wasting yet more time on Facebook the other day I saw these autocorrect fails. Don’t click on the link until you’re mentally prepared for it. I had to stop reading at one point because I couldn’t breathe for laughing. What a brilliant way to start the day! Enjoy.

 

http://keep0smiling.blogspot.co.uk/2013/08/even-more-very-funny-autocorrect-fails.html?m=1

See what I have to deal with?


Here’s an enquiry that dropped into my inbox earlier:

Hi, I am looking for any style of photography, I would love a traditional style but also with an edgy style too.

What? So let me get this right. You have no preference to style as long as it’s both traditional and edgy? Super.

Have you missed me? I haven’t just been being tardy with the blog, I’ve been trying to get to you to tell you everything that’s been going on but there’s just been so much of it. Life is anything but dull these days.

A couple that Boofuls and I know quite well phoned and asked us if we’d do them a huge favour and go on a hotel break for them. Huh? Hotel break? Do my ears deceive me?

It seems they’d bought a voucher for a hotel break, found themselves unable  to go and would lose the money of they cancelled so decided they’d like to give it to us. Fab!

The hotel was in the East Midlands. A very grand stately home. “Well, go on then, it’ll be tough but we’ll take it off your hands”, we told them. That’s the nearest thing we’ll be getting to a holiday for a few months.  I was really looking forward to it. Do you want to see where we stayed?  It’s here. Not too shabby, eh?

 

Source: teachers.org.uk
Source: teachers.org.uk

A few days before we were due to go we got a phone call from Boofuls sister telling us that his brother was seriously ill. Boofuls went down to see him immediately and we decided that we’d tag another trip to see him onto the end of our hotel break.

Talk about zigzagging around! We left the north west to go east and then left there to go south west as far as we could get without falling off the end of the country.

Cripes! That was a lot of driving.

I’m going to gloss over a lot of stuff now *gloss gloss gloss*  suffice to say that we were glad we went.

What did I learn from this trip? We have some nice friends. Families matter. Boofuls and me don’t spend enough time alone together. The whole trip was a roller coaster of emotions ranging from elation to devastation – sometimes in the space of a few minutes.

What else did I learn? That we need to visit Devon far more often than we do. I used to live there as a child and I’d forgotten how much I liked it. Tell me again why we live here when we could live there?

An a totally different note: Boofuls sent me this link to a Steve Martin sketch, I laughed so much the dog came in to see what was going on. Enjoy.

http://rubytooth.com/link/45516

Friday Fun


nb. This post is called Friday Fun because I started to write it on Friday but somehow it got to Sunday before I’ve got round to finishing it. 

It’s been a good day today. Lashes, me and Munki went off to the big town garden centre to ooh and aah at their spectacular Christmas displays and have a bit of brunch. Window shopping and food, always a good start t the day.

One of the displays was of huge glassy polar bears – at £1500 each you wouldn’t buy too many for your garden but they looked stunning.

Munki walked up to Mummy bear and said, “Are you cold, polar bear? Of course you are – you’re in the Arctic.”  Hahaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

From a kid that’s just turned four I thought that was quite good.

Christmas elves
Christmas elves

Copyright

On the way home we were treated to an eclectic mix of bonfire night and Christmas songs, sometimes changing mid song,  courtesy of Munki who was still in the throes of the sugar rush she obtained from a candy cane.

A walk in the woods with Velcrodog, Gembolina and Mrs Woofy was just the job to recharge my Munki drained batteries before setting off to do the weekly shop.

 

Just to complete my good mood – it snowed!! Yaaaaaaaaaayyyy!!!!! Velcrodog was a it confused by it all:

Dog playing in snow

 

Back home, a trawl round my favourite websites, as is my wont and I came across these gems. Enjoy.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot!!My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday , so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy’s heading for a breakdown.

Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador .”Not that” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”
.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the ‘knitting needle nutter’ , who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says “Oh, I forgot to tell you, today’s the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked.”

Murphy says to Paddy “What ya talkin to an envelope for?” “I’m sending a voicemail ya thick sod!”

Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks “Why so many of you?” Mick replies, “The film said 18 or over.”

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

Start the week with a laugh


Ok, it’s not mine, I stole it but it made me laugh so it deserves to be shared. Enjoy

 


Qantas Airlines:
 Repair Division

In case you need a laugh:
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a ‘Gripe Sheet’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed..

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny………. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last……………….
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Tanjooberrymutts


By the time you read through this you will understand “TANJOOBERRYMUTTS”. And only then will you be ready to take on China !

Believe me… you WILL understand!!!

Here goes

The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you
as a Hotel guest & room-service in China … 

Room Service: “Morrin. Roon sirbees.” 

Guest: “Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service.” 

Room Service: ” Rye , Roon sirbees…morrin! Joowish to
oddor sunteen?” 

Guest: “Uh… Yes, I’d like to order bacon & eggs.” 

Room Service: “Ow ulai den?” 

Guest: ” …….What??” 

Room Service: “Ow ulai den?!?… Pryed, boyud, pochd?” 

Guest: “Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry..
Scrambled, please.” 

Room Service: “Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?” 

Guest: “Crisp will be fine.” 

Room Service: “Hokay. An sahn toes?” 

Guest: “What?” 

Room Service: “An toes. ulai sahn toes?” 

Guest: “I…. Don’t think so..” 

RoomService: “No? Udo wan sahn toes???” 

Guest: “I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what
‘udo wan sahn toes’ means.” 

RoomService: “Toes! Toes!… Why Uoo don wan toes?…
Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?” 

Guest: “Oh, English muffin!!! I’ve got it! You were saying
‘toast’… Fine…Yes, an English muffin will be fine.” 

RoomService: “We botter?” 

Guest: “No, just put the botter on the side.” 

RoomService: “Wad?!?” 

Guest: “I mean butter… Just put the butter on the side.” 

RoomService: “Copy?” 

Guest: “Excuse me?” 

RoomService: “Copy.. tea… meel?” 

Guest: “Yes. Coffee, please… And that’s everything.” 

RoomService: “One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken,
Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy… Rye ??” 

Guest: “Whatever you say.” 

RoomService: “Tanjooberrymutts.” 

Guest: “You’re welcome”

Remember I did say “By the time you read through this
… YOU WILL UNDERSTAND ‘TANJOOBERRYMUTTS’

And you do, don’t you!