Tag Archives: funny

Start the week with a laugh


Ok, it’s not mine, I stole it but it made me laugh so it deserves to be shared. Enjoy

 


Qantas Airlines:
 Repair Division

In case you need a laugh:
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a ‘Gripe Sheet’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed..

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny………. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last……………….
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Advertisements

Tanjooberrymutts


By the time you read through this you will understand “TANJOOBERRYMUTTS”. And only then will you be ready to take on China !

Believe me… you WILL understand!!!

Here goes

The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you
as a Hotel guest & room-service in China … 

Room Service: “Morrin. Roon sirbees.” 

Guest: “Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service.” 

Room Service: ” Rye , Roon sirbees…morrin! Joowish to
oddor sunteen?” 

Guest: “Uh… Yes, I’d like to order bacon & eggs.” 

Room Service: “Ow ulai den?” 

Guest: ” …….What??” 

Room Service: “Ow ulai den?!?… Pryed, boyud, pochd?” 

Guest: “Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry..
Scrambled, please.” 

Room Service: “Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?” 

Guest: “Crisp will be fine.” 

Room Service: “Hokay. An sahn toes?” 

Guest: “What?” 

Room Service: “An toes. ulai sahn toes?” 

Guest: “I…. Don’t think so..” 

RoomService: “No? Udo wan sahn toes???” 

Guest: “I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what
‘udo wan sahn toes’ means.” 

RoomService: “Toes! Toes!… Why Uoo don wan toes?…
Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?” 

Guest: “Oh, English muffin!!! I’ve got it! You were saying
‘toast’… Fine…Yes, an English muffin will be fine.” 

RoomService: “We botter?” 

Guest: “No, just put the botter on the side.” 

RoomService: “Wad?!?” 

Guest: “I mean butter… Just put the butter on the side.” 

RoomService: “Copy?” 

Guest: “Excuse me?” 

RoomService: “Copy.. tea… meel?” 

Guest: “Yes. Coffee, please… And that’s everything.” 

RoomService: “One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken,
Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy… Rye ??” 

Guest: “Whatever you say.” 

RoomService: “Tanjooberrymutts.” 

Guest: “You’re welcome”

Remember I did say “By the time you read through this
… YOU WILL UNDERSTAND ‘TANJOOBERRYMUTTS’

And you do, don’t you!

 

Thanks for the laugh, Sanjaygora


I shamelessly stole this from Sanjaygora. Enjoy.

New meanings

Posted on June 1, 2012
The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries.· Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

· Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

· Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

· Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

· Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

· Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

· Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

· Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

· Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

· Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

· Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

· Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

· Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist

– source internet

An open letter to my dear pets


Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by F1 and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years –canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s rear. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That’s why they call it ‘fur’niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don’t ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don’t smoke or drink
8. Don’t have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don’t want to wear your clothes
10. Don’t need a gazillion pounds for university, and…
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children


They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

 

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. ————————–

The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’ ————————–

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. ————————–

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you. ————————–

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help. ————————–

Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. ————————–

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs. ————————–

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. ————————–

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. ————————–

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.. ————————–

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice. ————————–

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. ————————–

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. ————————–

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.. ————————–

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. ————————–

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow. ————————–

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. ————————–

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. ————————–

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done. ————————–

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. ————————–

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door. ————————–

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. ————————–

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. ————————–

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours. click for more information

Hot air balloon crash


Air Show Disaster – AIRCRAFT HITS FOUR BUILDINGS

This is tough to watch. It just shows the dangers of attending these events.

Amazing photo below shows great detail.
The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft.
It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings.
One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

 

An Easter Saturday Chuckle


This makes you think and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Apple Juice 16 oz. – £1.29 ……. £10.32 per gallon.

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz. – £1.19 ……….. £9.52 per gallon.

Ocean Spray 16 oz. – £1.25 ………… £10.00 per gallon.

Brake Fluid 12 oz. – £3.15 …………. £33.60 per gallon.

Vick’s Nyquil 6 oz. – £8.35 …….. £178.13 per gallon.

Pepto Bismol 4 oz. – £3.85 ……….. £123.20 per gallon.

Tippex (White out)7 oz. – £1.39 ……. £5.42 per gallon.
And this is the REAL KICKER.

Evian water 9 oz. – £1.49 ….. £21.19 per gallon.
£21.19 for WATER and the buyers don’t even know the source.

(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

You don’t even want to compare it with
perfume or after shave!!!!!!!

Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?

So they have you hooked for the ink.
Someone calculated the cost of the ink at
(you won’t believe it ….. but it is true ……..)

£5,200 per gallon … (Five thousand two hundred pounds)

So, the next time you’re at the pump, be glad your car doesn’t run on water, or Tippex, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or, God forbid, Printer I

Just a little humour to help ease the pain of your next trip to the petrol pump.

A little wildlife story


Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins 

On the ice in Antarctica – where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic
Bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will
Mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of
Compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members
Of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes
In the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is
Deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle

Around the fresh grave and sing:

“Freeze a jolly good fellow”

“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

“Then they kick him in the ice hole.”