Tag Archives: I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts

You couldn’t make it up Chapter Two


I know you’re all dying to know the second instalment in the carpet disaster, so here it is.

The insurance man cometh this morning to inspect my poor disfigured bedroom carpet.  Stony faced and unapproachable. As he walked, or rather waddled into the house as he was grossly overweight and clearly had trouble with his legs, I couldn’t help but feel like my claim was going to be instantly dismissed on the grounds that stupidity isn’t  covered on the policy.

“How did this happen then?”

I related the whole sorry tale, not leaving out the funeral, the  wrong colour or the lack of glasses. I saw the corner of his mouth twitch and his eyes crinkle a bit as he tried not to smirk when I got to the part about not having noticed I’d spilt paint everywhere.

“Well, you know that it’s possible to get 90% of that stain out.” Mind you, it will destroy your carpet.”

Helpful, I thought.

“How old is this carpet?”

“About ten years old.  It’s not new but it’s a good one, we wanted it to last a long time.”

Obviously, that was the trick question to see if I was going to try and con them out of any money. He nodded as if satisfied with my answer, suddenly became much more friendly and filled in his report form saying the carpet was indeed destroyed as I’d said.

Which brings me nicely to today’s zero to hero challenge:

Do you have a reputation? What is it, and where did it come from? Is it accurate? What do you think about it?

Funny things, reputations.  My own feeling is that your reputation will vary depending on the context and circumstances you are in at the time.

Boofuls just walked into the room so I’ve just asked him if I have a reputation. after filling him in on the background his almost instant answer was. Yes. You have a reputation for inviting people to go on walks and then nearly killing them. ”

Hahaa  I can’t argue with that. The trouble is that I struggle with the idea that my children and grandchildren aren’t as fit as I am and can’t keep up.

At this point I was going to talk about my reputation for being stupidly honest, however. A bigger reputation seems to be pushing it’s way to the fore so I’l tell you about that one instead. 

I know, apart from the occasional blip, I have a reputation for being generally happy and cheerful with a massively overdeveloped sense of the ridiculous.  I’m generally so cheerful in fact that the staff at work think I’m on drugs.

Clients are often surprised when I burst into song as I photograph them. Once I sang Bohemian Rhapsody to a family group. That backfired a bit as the first half a dozen frames were ruined by the look of shock on all their faces. Another time I was on a fire escape staircase at a hotel waiting to shoot a wedding group shot. We were  waiting for a missing guest to arrive so I asked them if I should sing while we waited. Well, you know, it worked for Sir Cliff at Wimbledon.

A few of the guests shouted back yes. So I did. I sang, ‘I’ve got a loverly bunch of coconuts’, which incidentally, I also sang to a group of my peers while I was doing my teacher training a few years ago. The tutor, a very crusty psychologist nearly had a heart attack.

That’s the same tutor who was totally bemused one day when I got a fit of the giggles in his class and had to leave. He’d made a comment about the dogs helpline and my sense of the ridiculous kicked in and I had a vision of a beagle answering the phone with it’s sympathetic listening face on. I was laughing so much the tears were pouring down my face and I was struggling to breathe.  Of course I couldn’t tell anyone what I was laughing at, they’d have had me locked up.

Crap. I’ve just realised I am in fact a bloody nutcase. 

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Royal Wedding Day


So, despite all my best efforts, Prince William is marrying the wrong commoner.

It was always my plan that he’d marry Lashes. I mean, as princes go he’s not a bad catch  is he? Good looking, a bit more grounded than some other members of his family, fabulously wealthy and terribly well connected.  I don’t know where my plan went wrong but it’s too late to cry over spilt milk now. Sigh.

After today  I expect that “Royal Fever’ will calm down a bit and we can get on with our lives again without being bombarded with the same stuff over and over again?  Even though I have made a point of avoiding most of the hype it’s impossible to avoid it completely. I even saw a house yesterday with ‘William and Kate’ bunting.  It really is beyond a joke, and that’s from me who considers herself a Royalist! Those with no time for the Royal family must be royally sick and tired of it all now.

As for Zadok the Priest. For the love of God, find a different bit of music to play, please. There is more than one bit of august music you could choose as background music for your endless clips of previous Royal weddings. What about, for instance, ‘I’ve got a loverly bunch of coconuts’?

We had plans for afternoon tea on the lawn (field) this afternoon, our version of a street party. The weather isn’t really playing ball though, it’s nice and sunny but a bit windy. Hhhmm actually, saying it’s a bit windy is a bit of an understatement. It’s blowing a gale.  Oh well.

Of course with my normal impeccable planning I’ve arranged for a client to pick up her album at exactly 11.00 a.m.  That album has been hanging about  here for  weeks waiting to be collected. Of course this time when I send yet another email to remind her it’s here she replies instantly for once.

“Ooh yes, I’ll come tomorrow.” I was so shocked, I agreed, forgetting all about my plans to spend the day glued to the telly and waving my little Union flag around. (Anyone who refers to it as  the Union Jack, give yourselves a sound slapping. Anyone who knows why gets a small amount of kudos).  What a dope.  Tsk.

We had a client due to view the proofs from their photo shoot last night. They were due at 7pm but because they’d arrived for the shoot half an hour early I decided to get to the studio good and early, just in case. 7pm came and went, 7.15 and 7.30. BORED!!!

Eventually we managed, after a lot of faffing about, to get hold of her.

“I thought you were coming here, to our house.” She says.

Why? Why on earth would she think that?

Fair enough though they got in their car and came straight to the studio and were there, all thirteen of them in a few minutes.  Considering it was such a large crowd they got their photos picked in record time. Amazing. I wish they were all like that.

That little snippet of information has nothing whatsoever to do with today’s Royal wedding, I just thought I’d share it.

Congratulations to William and Kate.

Right. I’m off now to get organised.

*Sings* I’ve got a lovely bunch o’ coconuts……….