I shamelessly stole this from Sanjaygora. Enjoy.
The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries.· Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
· Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
· Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
· Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
· Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
· Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
· Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
· Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
· Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
· Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
· Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
· Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
· Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist
– source internet
We had a brilliant night at bezzie mate’s. Had far too much too eat and drink. I think I’m actually looking forward to starting my diet tomorrow.
She told me that she bought eight legs of venison from the butcher for £20. Then she asked me if I thought it was too dear.
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins
On the ice in Antarctica – where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic
Bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will
Mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of
Compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members
Of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes
In the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is
Deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle
Around the fresh grave and sing:
“Freeze a jolly good fellow”
“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
“Then they kick him in the ice hole.”
I wonder if rhinos are just obese unciorns?
Mad June is finally coming to an end but of course it’s all Go! Go! Go! to get all the jobs done before the end of the month. Time’s at a bit of a premium and there’s not a lot of it left for me to to play on here.
Not that I’ve got anything much to tell you because it’s been non stop work for the last (and next) few days.
Here’s a bit of light relief that made me chuckle:
A very handsome retired man went to drug store in Malibu, and asked to speak to a male pharmacist. The lady he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist. She and her sister owned the store and had no male employees. She asked if she could help him.
The retiree reiterated that it was something that he would be much more comfortable speaking about to a male pharmacist.
The lady assured him that she was completely professional and he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The retiree agreed. “This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment and I was wondering what you can give me for it.”
The pharmacist, still maintaining her dignified manner as a pharmacist, said, “Give me a minute please; I will consult with my sister.”
When she returned, she said, “The best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month in living expenses.”
Happy 110111! Unless you’re American that is, in which case, happy 011111. Either way it’s a pretty cool date, bettered only by the impending 111111.
Do you think I have too much time on my hands?
So. What about today, then? With a date as cool as this you’d think something momentous would have happened. Nope. Nuthin’.
Well, obviously something as in the normal everyday get up, have breakfast etc.etc. but absolutely nothing of any real interest has happened today. Except…….
I got round to opening the last of my Christmas presents. It was a toiletry set from someone who obviously doesn’t like me, I bet they won it in a raffle or something. Within the set was contained the usual, talc, moisturiser and a stick deodorant. Stick deodorant? These days? Who still uses them? Crikey.
It’s so long since I’ve seen one of those I had to read the instructions to remind myself how to use it. The instructions said:
‘Remove lid and push up bottom.’
I could hardly walk!!
Happy binary day!