Tag Archives: joke

Thanks for the laugh, Sanjaygora


I shamelessly stole this from Sanjaygora. Enjoy.

New meanings

Posted on June 1, 2012
The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries.· Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

· Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

· Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

· Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

· Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

· Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

· Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

· Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

· Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

· Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

· Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

· Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

· Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist

– source internet

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Old is when……..


OLD” IS WHEN …. Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,”
and you answer, “Pick one; I can’t do both!”


“OLD ” IS WHEN … Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

“OLD” IS WHEN .. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.


“OLD” IS WHEN .. Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

 “OLD” IS WHEN .. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.


 “OLD” IS WHEN ..”Getting a little action” means you don’t need to take any fiber today


 “OLD” IS WHEN .. An “all nighter” means not getting up to use the bathroom.



A little wildlife story


Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins 

On the ice in Antarctica – where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic
Bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will
Mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of
Compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members
Of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes
In the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is
Deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle

Around the fresh grave and sing:

“Freeze a jolly good fellow”

“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

“Then they kick him in the ice hole.”

 

 

A little light relief


Mad June is finally coming to an end but of course it’s all Go! Go! Go! to get all the jobs done before the end of the month. Time’s at a bit of a premium and there’s not a lot of it left for me to to play on here.

Not that I’ve got anything much to tell you because it’s been non stop work for the last (and next) few days.

Here’s a bit of light relief that made me chuckle:

 A very handsome retired man went to drug store in Malibu, and asked to speak to a male pharmacist. The lady he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist. She and her sister owned the store and had no male employees. She asked if she could help him.
The retiree reiterated that it was something that he would be much more comfortable speaking about to a male pharmacist.

The lady assured him that she was completely professional and he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The retiree agreed. “This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment and I was wondering what you can give me for it.”
The pharmacist, still maintaining her dignified manner as a pharmacist, said, “Give me a minute please; I will consult with my sister.”
When she returned, she said, “The best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month in living expenses.”

 

 

Tom’s Scrotum


A painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife……..

Tom’s scrotum The Best Story of the Year: 

The vicar asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.
She said, “I have a praise.  Two months ago, my husband, Tom , had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed.  The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”
You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
” Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.”  We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom ‘s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom .
“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
All the men sighed with unified relief.  The vicar rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

 

 

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium..   He said, “I’m Tom Smith.” The entire congregation held its breath.  “I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”

 

 

 

Blood transfusions


Remember this if you have major surgery and need a blood transfusion!! This is good to know!!


MEDICAL RESEARCH

Australian Medical Association researchers have found

that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit

from receiving chicken blood

rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men more cocky and the women definitely lay better….

Just thought you’d like to know.


 

BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO ARE CRACKED,

FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE LIGHT!

 

 

Terrorist Threat Levels


Boofuls sent me this via email the other day. Brilliantly funny, it manages to insult just about everyone

From the BBC – by John Cleese.
ANNOUNCEMENT


The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent
terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security
level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though,
security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or
even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit
Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly
ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from
“Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the
British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in
1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.


The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off”
to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other
levels. This is the reason they have been used on the
front line of the British army for the last 300 years.


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher
levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s
white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s
military capability.


Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and
Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more
levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change
Sides.”


The Germans have increased their alert state from
“Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing
Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels:
“Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”


Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the
only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of
Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to

deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass
bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at
the old Spanish navy.


Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level
from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Three more
escalation levels remain: “Crikey!”,”I think we’ll
need to cancel the barbie this weekend,” and “The barbie
is cancelled.”


And finally Canada is at “That’s not nice and please stop”
threat level, and has passed a bill in the House of Commons to
never raise the level any higher so not to offend the terrorists.

Binary


Happy 110111! Unless you’re American that is,  in which case, happy 011111. Either way it’s a pretty cool date, bettered only by the impending 111111.

Do you think I have too much time on my hands?

So. What about today, then?  With a date as cool as this you’d think something momentous would have happened. Nope.  Nuthin’.

Well, obviously something as in the normal everyday get up, have breakfast etc.etc. but absolutely nothing of any real interest has happened today.  Except…….

I got round to opening the last of my Christmas presents. It was a toiletry set from someone who obviously doesn’t like me, I bet they won it in a raffle or something. Within the set was contained the usual, talc, moisturiser and a stick deodorant. Stick deodorant? These days? Who still uses them? Crikey.

It’s so long since I’ve seen one of those I had to read the instructions to remind myself how to use it. The instructions said:

‘Remove lid and push up bottom.’

I could hardly walk!!

Haahaahaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

Happy binary day!