This popped up on Facebook earlier. I love a good pun. A whole selection of them is even better. Enjoy!
nb. This post is called Friday Fun because I started to write it on Friday but somehow it got to Sunday before I’ve got round to finishing it.
It’s been a good day today. Lashes, me and Munki went off to the big town garden centre to ooh and aah at their spectacular Christmas displays and have a bit of brunch. Window shopping and food, always a good start t the day.
One of the displays was of huge glassy polar bears – at £1500 each you wouldn’t buy too many for your garden but they looked stunning.
Munki walked up to Mummy bear and said, “Are you cold, polar bear? Of course you are – you’re in the Arctic.” Hahaaaaaaaaaaa!!!
From a kid that’s just turned four I thought that was quite good.
On the way home we were treated to an eclectic mix of bonfire night and Christmas songs, sometimes changing mid song, courtesy of Munki who was still in the throes of the sugar rush she obtained from a candy cane.
A walk in the woods with Velcrodog, Gembolina and Mrs Woofy was just the job to recharge my Munki drained batteries before setting off to do the weekly shop.
Just to complete my good mood – it snowed!! Yaaaaaaaaaayyyy!!!!! Velcrodog was a it confused by it all:
Back home, a trawl round my favourite websites, as is my wont and I came across these gems. Enjoy.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy’s heading for a breakdown.
Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Paddy says “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador .”Not that” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”
My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing!
Local Police hunting the ‘knitting needle nutter’ , who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says “Oh, I forgot to tell you, today’s the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked.”
Murphy says to Paddy “What ya talkin to an envelope for?” “I’m sending a voicemail ya thick sod!”
Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks “Why so many of you?” Mick replies, “The film said 18 or over.”
An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
As much as we love them, sometimes being a parent is hard work. I always thought it would be easier as they got older – well I got that bloody wrong!
Just to lighten the mood………
It’s been a funny old week.
Emotions seem to be running particularly high in people this week, and it’s only Wednesday!
Just a few of the emotions I’ve witnessed are; anger, frustration, rage, sympathy, joy, fear, pain and apathy, grief, self righteousness and resignation – sometimes all in the space of a single hour.
I’ve seen people who don’t deserve it be publicly humiliated and I’ve dealt with the shocked aftermath of reactions well out of proportion for the event. Blood pressures have been bouncing off the ceiling, my own blood pressure went so high it very nearly reached normal. Tears have been flowing like rivers and hormones have been rampaging like bulls through Pamplona. It’s all getting a bit out of hand. I’m not cut out for all this excitement.
Last night I took myself off for a nice hot bath and then slipped into the clothing equivalent of comfort food – my voluminous flannelette nightie with the teddy bear print and my fluffy dressing gown and slippers, tucked myself up under a blanket on the settee and kept a low profile hoping it would all have calmed down today. Normally I’d have gone for the comfort food itself but this diet doesn’t allow for it so I had to make do with a tangerine – a poor substitute for a giant bar of Whole Nut or a box of Maltesers but it was the best I could come up with in an emergency.
Right on cue a friend sent me the following via email. It made me laugh and cheered me up a bit, hope it makes you laugh too.
Puns for those with a slightly higher IQ
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .
A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding – A case of wife or death.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.
What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia – the LAN down under.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted – Taint yours and taint mine.
Two (insert nationality) were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other,
then moved on to the next street,
working furiously all day without rest,
one man digging a hole,
the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work,
but couldn’t understand what they were doing.
So he asked the hole digger,
“I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don’t get it — why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed,
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed,
“Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team.
But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.”
And there’s more. One for the boys:
Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M University,
has designed a bra that keeps women’s breasts from jiggling,
bouncing up and down, and stops nipples from pushing through
the fabric when cold weather sets in.
After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of
men took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.
And Other Observations From My Soap Box.
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