Tag Archives: jokes

Punography


 

 

 

This popped up on Facebook earlier.  I love a good pun. A whole selection of them is even better. Enjoy!

source: internet. Owner unownSource: Unkown

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Weekend laughs


It’s been a hard week this week. Admittedly not as hard as last week which was just awful but still not on my top ten list of brilliant weeks.
Fortuitously, I happened across  an email from my sister and it made me laugh. My personal favourite is No.( – I do that anyway so no change there then. Boofuls and I have just been to see Les Miserables ad I sang along to all the songs. Well, when I wasn’t crying I sang along.
Which is your favourite?
Enjoy
1.      At lunch time sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair drier at passing cars.    Watch and see if they slow down.
2.      Page yourself over the intercom.  Don’t disguise your voice.
3.      Every time someone asks you to do something ask,  “Do you want fries with that”?
4.      Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks.  Once everyone has gotten over their Caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso.
5.      In the memo field of all your checks write, ‘For Marijuana’
6.      Skip down the hall rather than walk. See how many looks you get
7.      Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, Do this with a serious face.
8.      Specify that your Drive-through order is – ‘To Go’.
9.      Sing along at the Opera, in your very best voice.
10.    Five days in advance tell your friends you can’t attend their party because, You have a headache.
11.    When the money comes out of the ATM scream. “I won! I won!!”
12.    When leaving the Zoo start running towards the parking lot yelling… “Run for your lives! They’re loose!”
13.    Tell your teenage children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go”.
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14.    Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask, “Can you show me where the fitting room is please”.

Friday Fun


nb. This post is called Friday Fun because I started to write it on Friday but somehow it got to Sunday before I’ve got round to finishing it. 

It’s been a good day today. Lashes, me and Munki went off to the big town garden centre to ooh and aah at their spectacular Christmas displays and have a bit of brunch. Window shopping and food, always a good start t the day.

One of the displays was of huge glassy polar bears – at £1500 each you wouldn’t buy too many for your garden but they looked stunning.

Munki walked up to Mummy bear and said, “Are you cold, polar bear? Of course you are – you’re in the Arctic.”  Hahaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

From a kid that’s just turned four I thought that was quite good.

Christmas elves
Christmas elves

Copyright

On the way home we were treated to an eclectic mix of bonfire night and Christmas songs, sometimes changing mid song,  courtesy of Munki who was still in the throes of the sugar rush she obtained from a candy cane.

A walk in the woods with Velcrodog, Gembolina and Mrs Woofy was just the job to recharge my Munki drained batteries before setting off to do the weekly shop.

 

Just to complete my good mood – it snowed!! Yaaaaaaaaaayyyy!!!!! Velcrodog was a it confused by it all:

Dog playing in snow

 

Back home, a trawl round my favourite websites, as is my wont and I came across these gems. Enjoy.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot!!My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday , so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy’s heading for a breakdown.

Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador .”Not that” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”
.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the ‘knitting needle nutter’ , who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says “Oh, I forgot to tell you, today’s the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked.”

Murphy says to Paddy “What ya talkin to an envelope for?” “I’m sending a voicemail ya thick sod!”

Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks “Why so many of you?” Mick replies, “The film said 18 or over.”

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

For those with a slightly higher IQ


It’s been a funny old week.

Emotions seem to be running particularly high in people this week, and it’s only Wednesday!

Just a few of the emotions I’ve witnessed are;  anger, frustration, rage, sympathy, joy, fear, pain and apathy, grief,  self righteousness  and resignation –  sometimes all in the space of a single hour.

I’ve seen people who don’t deserve it be publicly humiliated and I’ve dealt with the shocked aftermath of reactions well out of proportion for the event.  Blood pressures have been bouncing off the ceiling, my own blood pressure went so high it very nearly reached normal. Tears have been flowing like rivers and hormones have been  rampaging  like bulls through Pamplona. It’s all getting a bit out of hand. I’m not cut out for all this excitement.

Last night I took myself off for a nice hot bath and then slipped into the clothing equivalent of comfort food – my voluminous flannelette nightie with the teddy bear print and my  fluffy dressing gown and slippers, tucked myself up under a blanket on the settee and kept a low profile hoping it would all have calmed down today. Normally I’d have gone for the comfort food itself but this diet doesn’t allow for it so I had to make do with a tangerine – a poor substitute for a giant bar of Whole Nut or a box of Maltesers but it was the best I could come up with in an emergency.

Right on cue a friend sent me the following via email. It made me laugh and cheered me up a bit, hope it makes you laugh too.

Puns for those with a slightly higher IQ
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .


A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.


Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.


Practice safe eating – always use condiments.


Shotgun wedding – A case of wife or death.


A hangover is the wrath of grapes.


Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.


Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?


Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.


Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.


When two egotists meet, it’s an I  for an I.


A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.


What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead give away.)


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.


She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.


A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.


If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.


With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.


The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.


You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.


Local Area Network in Australia – the LAN down under.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted – Taint yours and taint mine.

It’s the way I tell ’em!


Two  (insert nationality)  were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other,
then moved on to the next street,
working furiously all day without rest,
one man digging a hole,
the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work,
but couldn’t understand what they were doing.
So he asked the hole digger,

“I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don’t get it — why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed,

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed,

“Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team.
But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.”

Hahaaaaaaa

And there’s more.  One for the boys:

 

Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M University, 
has designed a bra that keeps women’s breasts from jiggling,
bouncing up and down, and stops nipples from pushing through
the fabric when cold weather sets in.


After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of 
men took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

 

Tommy Cooper’s top twenty titters


1. Two blondes walk into a building ……. you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message – ‘…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…’

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, ‘Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.’

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, ‘No, the steaks are too high.’

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’ The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off’.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on it.’

12. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home’. ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.’ ‘Is it common?’ ‘It’s not unusual.’

13. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. ‘My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?’ ‘Well,’ said the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him’.
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’ ‘What? Because he’s cross-eyed?’ ‘No, because he’s really heavy’.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it..’

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

17. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

18. ‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.’

19. A man walked into the doctors, he said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places’. The doctor said, ‘Well don’t go there anymore!

20. Ireland ‘s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.