Tag Archives: postaweek2012

The post I don’t want to write


This is the one I’ve been avoiding all week. The post that makes me fill up with tears every time I think about writing it.

Of course, I have to do it if I’m to fulfil my commitment to myself about documenting the events of daily life to preserve the memories that we create every day.

The trouble with documenting things for posterity is that by the very nature of life some will be happy memories, some will evoke an emotion and some, like this one will cause the tears to fall.

Where to start? I’ll keep it in chronological order and I’ll start at my cousin Ann’s wedding in late 2012.

Just six weeks after her mother had died. Everyone put on a brave face and  chatted, sang, danced and  made the best of the celebration even though the tragic loss of the bride’s Mum to cancer was the massive elephant in the room.  

At that wedding the brides sister, Hilary confided to me that she also had cancer but was hopeful about beating it.

My poor uncle just spent the day looking lost and forlorn. Every now and then he’d take a photograph out of his pocket and  stare at it.

Last Saturday Hilary married the love of her life.  A lovely chap who we’d met for the first time at Ann’s wedding.

The marriage took place on a special licence. They were married in the hospice with only a few close family members present. I’m sure you can join the dots.

While we were all happy for them it was heavy with sadness as we all knew that they’d only have a short time together.

Then on Tuesday, Boofuls took an early morning phone call to say that his brother had sadly passed away.

It wasn’t unexpected, he’s been ill for some time, hence our many trips to Devon in the last few months. Isn’t it funny though? Even though you know it’s coming it still hits you like a sledgehammer.  I’m not sure it’s possible to prepare yourself for someones death.

As deaths go it was as nice as it can be, lying in his own bed with his wife’s arms around him as he slipped away.

Boofus and I are going down to Devon on Tuesday for his funeral. On the way back we planned to pop in to see my cousin.

About an hour ago I got a phone call to say that Hilary had died.

Eight days after her wedding and two weeks short of her fortieth birthday.

I can’t find any more words.

Woss ‘e say?


Boofuls has been struck deaf.First in one ear and now the other. Oh what joy. He’s had a low level cough and cold for weeks and now that he’s stopped running round like a headless chicken it seems to be taking hold. The end result is that the telly is now on blaringly loud and every now and then he’ll turn to me and shout “Woss ‘e say?” sounding uncannily like his Dad.  If he doesn’t make an appointment soon to get his ears syringed I’ll be doing it myself, it’s driving me mad. Eh?

So. Another Christmas has been and gone.

The dog has been a bit perplexed by it all, I mean, hat’s the point of having a tree in the house if you aren’t even allowed to pee on it? Seriously, whats the point? Eventually he got the idea that it was neither for peeing on nor  a source of hanging toys for his delight, entertainment or  edification and he’s since treated it with the disdain he considers it deserves.

I was on Facebook earlier when I found this link to a list of peculiarly British problems. Obviously I had to go and take a look. I wish I could say it’s a load of tosh but……

British problems

The worst by far to someone of my tender sensibilities is number 10. “Of accident.” Excuse me? Is that even English? I’m sure you meant ‘by accident’. It assails my ears as badly as nails down a blackboard.

While I’m on the subject of language, perhaps you could clear up a mystery for me.  I’m quite good at telling the time, have been since quite a young age actually. I know that when the big hand reaches 9 it’s a quarter to the hour and when it reaches 3 it’s a quarter past the hour. What the hell does the American: ‘It’s a quarter OF the hour mean? Items like this need to be clarified to prevent international time keeping disasters.

On a biblical theme and in case you forgot……


Big N and me were playing out in Manchester the other day because it was his birthday and I’d promised him lunch at a posh restaurant and shopping trip. As we were pushing our way through the crowds of grim faced Christmas shoppers  I happened to see this sign. It was a nice reminder of what Christmas is really all about and it made me feel all warm and fuzzy.

 

Christmas starts with Christ

Now don’t worry – I’m going to get all bible bashy on you. I just liked the reality check. You never know – if the world does grind to a halt tomorrow you might be glad of having had your memory jogged (always assuming you’re a christian, that is).

Still on a religious theme, I was reading one of my old blog posts today and came across these little gems which made me chuckle. Enjoy.

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE
FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY

CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT
SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF
CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH’S WIFE WAS JOAN
OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME
ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE
DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD
TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL
LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7 MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD
WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES
WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE
HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO
STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE
FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA
CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE A RRIVED THEY FOUND
JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS
BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET
THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH
IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

Or as we call them….


lashes, Munki and me were out and about doing a bit of shopping for our respective Christmas decorations. I was looking for white lights – and I do mean white lights not those awful blueish-greyish things that just make me depressed when I see them. I’m talking about gorgeous, sparkly, bright white cheery lights.

Lashes was looking for trinkets for her trippy Alice in Wonderland tree in shades of pink, blue and turquoise. It’s fabulous!

Anyway, while we’re on the subject of Christmas lights, I’ve noticed that the usual bright blue monstrosities are out in force again this year, flashing away like huge offensive to the eye insect-o-cuters. What surprises me is that where we are seeing these lights mostly is on the streets where you would expect the residents to positively avoid  flashing blue lights.

Oooohh, aren’t I awful? Happy Christmas to you too!

So. Moving swiftly on…..

We spent a happy morning in the local garden centre with the brilliant Christmas displays and I stopped in my tracks when I saw this display:

Hanging solutions

“Oh! Look at this, it’s exactly what I need; damage free hanging solutions.”

The woman walking past nearly broke her neck as it swung round to take a look at the object of my desire. Imaging her surprise when I burst out guffawing loudly and snorting with derision as I realised that the much vaunted ‘damage free hanging solutions’ were in fact nothing more than  plastic hooks with a sticky pad attached. Oh isn’t marketing marvellous. Damage free hanging solutions, or as we call them; hooks. That kept me laughing for the rest of the morning.

The weather has been A-MAZ-ING recently. Just how I like it, cold, crisp and clear. The thick frost has meant that places that are normally a no go walking area for me and Velcrodog because it’s as wet as a paddy field all dried up and added a new dimension to our  walks. I was double pleased about the weather because I took Velcrodog to the beauty salon last week and it was nice to be able to take him out for a walk while he looked gorgeous and get him him home still looking gorgeous and not like a swamp monster. I got good few days out of it. Worth every penny of my £40.

Here are a few photos from our frosty walks. Hope you like them:

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Friday Fun


nb. This post is called Friday Fun because I started to write it on Friday but somehow it got to Sunday before I’ve got round to finishing it. 

It’s been a good day today. Lashes, me and Munki went off to the big town garden centre to ooh and aah at their spectacular Christmas displays and have a bit of brunch. Window shopping and food, always a good start t the day.

One of the displays was of huge glassy polar bears – at £1500 each you wouldn’t buy too many for your garden but they looked stunning.

Munki walked up to Mummy bear and said, “Are you cold, polar bear? Of course you are – you’re in the Arctic.”  Hahaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

From a kid that’s just turned four I thought that was quite good.

Christmas elves
Christmas elves

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On the way home we were treated to an eclectic mix of bonfire night and Christmas songs, sometimes changing mid song,  courtesy of Munki who was still in the throes of the sugar rush she obtained from a candy cane.

A walk in the woods with Velcrodog, Gembolina and Mrs Woofy was just the job to recharge my Munki drained batteries before setting off to do the weekly shop.

 

Just to complete my good mood – it snowed!! Yaaaaaaaaaayyyy!!!!! Velcrodog was a it confused by it all:

Dog playing in snow

 

Back home, a trawl round my favourite websites, as is my wont and I came across these gems. Enjoy.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot!!My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday , so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy’s heading for a breakdown.

Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador .”Not that” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”
.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the ‘knitting needle nutter’ , who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says “Oh, I forgot to tell you, today’s the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked.”

Murphy says to Paddy “What ya talkin to an envelope for?” “I’m sending a voicemail ya thick sod!”

Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks “Why so many of you?” Mick replies, “The film said 18 or over.”

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

Wintry weather


 

The weather men have even threatened us with snow. Snow! Yaaaaaaay!

 

It hasn’t arrived yet though, just a cold and biting wind, lovely frosty mornings and zero temperatures. According to my car it was -4 this morning. My bum certainly knew it was -4 when I got in the aforementioned car and sat on the lovely shiny black leather seat.

 

Who the hell thought it would be a good idea to put leather seats in a car? Unless they make a bum warmer that knows you’re going to get in the car ten minutes before you actually do it and gets the seat all nice and toasty for your rear end then they should definitely keep away from leather seats. Leather seats? I’ll take the sheepskin, thanks.

 

It’s been more than a bit parky for my nether regions, they’re wondering  what’s going on, they’re not used to being cold. Bbbbrrrrrrrrrr.

 

I’ll be investing in a nice fluffy seat cover before too much longer, I think. In the meantime I’ll be putting a nice thick, radiator warmed towel on the seat. Who cares if passers by think I’m incontinent. At least I’ll have a warm bum.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Season of goodwill….really?


Yesterday, being in an unusually efficient state of mind, I decided to  visit the print lab, buy a new printer for work and then to pop into our local ‘Pile ’em high and sell ’em cheap’ retailer for some cheap and cheerful new Christmas decorations to freshen up the ones I’ve had for years. All that in one circular trip, that’s like killing three birds with one stone. Normally that would be three separate trips. Why can’t I be so efficient every day?

Anyway, I needed the new Christmas decorations to  fit in with this year’s theme which basically involves chopping down half a tree,  painting it white and sticking some fabulous white lights and a few sparkles on it ( for ‘few’ read ‘loads of’ ) . Munki thought I was joking. I’m not.

So here we are at the store, grabbing a basket, I headed off down the aisles in search of the Christmas department, quietly humming, ‘We wish you a merry Christmas’ to myself as I went. The Christmas aisles were easy to spot. They were the ones fill with hoardes of people all elbowing each other in the face in order to get first dibs on the perfect item for their preparations for the season of peace and goodwill. After about two minutes I decided that I wasn’t aggressive enough for the game and beat a hasty retreat. What an ordeal! ‘We wish you a merry Christmas’ had been replaced in my head by ‘Highway to Hell’ on my way out of the store – it’s not even December yet! God only knows what it’ll be like in the coming weeks. I think I’ll be doing my shopping online from now on. It’s much safer.

 

Well, time flies, as they say, and the last four years have certainly flown by.  On the very night I threatened Lashes not to go into labour because it was the night of my studio opening party, the 26th November 2008. I should have known better really, when did she ever listen to what I have to say? Sure enough, she went into labour and Munki made her entrance into the world, aided and abetted by me who had the honour of cutting the umbilical cord, one of my proudest moments ever. Happy birthday Munki, or as she prefers to be called these days, Belle.

 

 

You look like you’ve seen a giant chocolate biscuit


Oooooooooh. There was a bit of excitement at  a town near us during the summer.

The chef Heston Blumenthal came to give the entire town a tea break. If you don’t know about Heston then click here for all you need to know. Ah yes, Heston’s fantastical food, along with an entourage of  rather scary tea ladies, a pack of biscuits so big it had to be helicoptered in, a tea bag 5000 times larger than your average tea bag and a giant teapot to brew up in, all descended Darwen for a tea party.

Of course he didn’t just do it all for fun. It was all being recorded to be shown on tv during the long winter evenings. The winter evening in question was last week.

Len, Lashes and Munki all went down to join the party. Well, bugger me if they didn’t end up on the telly!

Munki didn’t look totally impressed, unlike Len.  Isn’t his face a picture? I had to keep playing it over and over again, it made me laugh for ages. He looks like he’s just seen a man eating  a giant chocolate biscuit.

Oooh, the winter evenings will just fly by with gems like this to keep us amused!

Nothing to say


Funny isn’t it? So much happens in life but when I sit down at my computer to write a blog post about my day I can find absolutely nothing to say.

I used to be able to sit down and write an amusing little post about nothing at all.

Do you think I’m suffering from writer’s block?

Well, my plan of action is just to sit and type away and see what comes out, hopefully the act of actually sitting here in front of the computer will fill me with inspiration.

Ooh, I think it’s working – I’ve thought of something!

Velcrodog start his dance lessons tomorrow, also known as heelwork to music, I’m sure he would be excited if he knew anything about it but as it is I’m excited enough for both of us. And no, before you ask, we will not be performing on Britain’s got talent at any point in the future. He’s already got quite a repertoire of tricks. Munki and me were singing, ‘How much is that doggie in the window’ earlier and Velcrodog was barking to order in the correct place. When we’ve polished that up a bit I’ll record it for you.

Actually, tomorrow will hopefully be a nice day all day, being Tuesday it’s paso doble day. Yay! The only thing keeping me sane over the last few months has been going for nice long head clearing walks with Velcrodog and laughing my socks off during out Tuesday dance lessons. We produce enough endorphins during that hour to keep the men in white coats away from the door for another week. Mind you, if the men in white coats could see us laughing I’m sure they’d lock us up anyway. We’re like a bunch of nutcases.

Here’s hoping that we all manage to have a stress free and pleasant Tuesday. We’ll worry about Wednesday when it arrives.